six months

So tomorrow will be six months since Randy left this earth and at times it feels like it was only yesterday yet I havent seen him in so long or felt his arms around me in forever. I cannot believe how far I have come in six months when it comes to school and church. But I stillmiss him like crazy. I still have days where I cry and am so emotional and I have days where I laugh and feel 'normal'. I just cannot believe at times that this has happened. I would have graduated last Thursday had things gone the way they were 'planned'. But that obviously wasn't the plan.

I made it thru summer semester so I guess I will keep on working hard and get thru school and life.

Averi is starting to have more good days than bad. But she misses Randy so very much. It breaks my heart to see her cry or to hear Kevin say that he wants to do certain things with his daddy. He still thinks that he can go to Heaven to see Randy but yet come back. And Averi well- she just wants so bad to have a 'normal' life where daddy and mommy and her and Kevin are together. I can see that in her.

This is hard- life after Randy. So very hard. There is still an emptiness inside of me that Randy used to fill. I just miss him and I hurt for him. I look at what all I have experienced watching the kids grow in the lst 6 months, laughing with them and talking with them- I feel so guilty at times because Randy would have so enjoyed what I am experiencing. Sometimes I wish that I could have taken his place. He was such a good father and I feel like he was cheated out of watching these wonderful, funny children. When something good happens to me- my first instinct is to tell Randy. It hurts when I reality says- Becky, you can't. I think about how much suffering he went thru at the end and I hurt for him. I wish I could have one more day with him but if it means he would have the cancer then I wouldn't want that. I want my husband back but I cannot have him back. I feel so alone at times because he always made me laugh and he knew ME- when I needed to talk or when I needed time. We shared so much history together and when I think about my life- I cannot see anyone but him as my other half.

I dream about him, I talk about him, I think about him, I talk to him... I think I am crazy at times. But how do I live a life without him when we shared so much? He will always be a part of me.

I don't believe that time heals all wounds- I think time numbs them. I will never stop crying for Randy but I hope one day me and the kids can at least think of him and not hurt so bad.

I know God is there for us. He has gotten us this far and it really could be worse. I do not understand why this happened although I can look back on past times and be greatful that Randy did accept Christ as his savior way before he got sick. I know where Randy is at- there is no doubt- and I thank God for that comfort. I just miss him.

Summer so far

It is summer. We are starting to become more adjusted to the way life is going to be without Randy. I am in my 4th week of school. Clinicals started out well and hopefully will continue that way. I had a tough time this past weekend because we celebrated the kids birthdays this past Saturday yet the absence of Randy was very strong for me. It was very emotional for me and for Averi too. She had been missing him all week to the point to where she just wanted to sleep all the time. Last week was just exhausting and this weekend wasn't any better. But I was very thankful for my good friends especially the ones who keep me going thruout the week. I have all the responsibilities now with no one to help me divide them so it has taken a lot of adjustment and organization and coffee but we are gettting there!

I pray that God gives me the strength to get the next year. It is going to be hard financially, emotionally and physically but if this is in His plan, then it will be. I used to struggle with trusting people but the only one I need to trust is the Lord. Everything else will fall in place for me and Averi and Kevin.

I just miss Randy. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss a person. I go to sleep at night and I dream about him constantly. I don't want to wake up because I feel like it is reliving losing him all over again. But if I didn't dream about him, it would be awful. It is like the dreams are comforting yet painful at that same time. And we do everyday things together. We are riding in the car in one. Sitting together on the couch watching tv in another. We are laughing and joking at other times.

busy days

It has been a while since I have written but I have been very busy. It has been a blessing because I am able to keep my mind focused on certain things therefore away from thinking about the what if's, the broken dreams, and the last moments. I am back in school trying to adjust to being with new classmates and missing my old ones at the same time. I spent hte first few days feeling sorry for myself but then realized I am doing this for the kids and myself- not to be in a popularity contest!

So I got my focus back. This weekend was great! Most of it was spent with people from church and I haven't felt this good in a long time! Averi got to go horseback riding Saturday morning and she loved it! But she has had her moments. I guess when I am up, she is down. Vice versa. But as long as we are here for each other- we'll get thru. Life is going to go on regardless because God 's plan is still in motion for those that Randy left behind. I know as long as I keep my heart open, God will guide me in the right direction as He will the kids too.

3 months

Yeasterday was an awful day. Sunday was the three month period since Randy's passing. I thought that keeping busy with church and the kids and errands would help. But the worse was just prolonged. It was so gloomy yesterday and there were storms. Too bad that I didn't realize that I was having a storm of emotions come thru my life as well.

Yesterday I questioned myself. I took alot of crap from people right before Randy died and am still going through it- just not as bad. People have blamed me for Randy's passing- that I didn't do enough to make him get the treatment he needed. That I controlled him and made him miserable. Very hurtful things that although I know in my heart they are not true. But the devil uses things like that as ammunition when you are choosing to walk God's path. So I had thoughts like- 'Well, I wouldn't be going thru this hurt and loss if I had made him do more chemo', 'Did he really love me or did I imagine that'...etc. People do not realize that the things they say can never be taken back and words do have an effect on the person they are aimed at. What did I do to deserve to lose my husband and then to be so mistreated? There are people that do not understand the type of hurt I am going thru. I watched the father of my children die. Those images replay over and over in my mind. I cannot think of good times or look at pictures without crying because I have lost so much. And people that I thought would stand by me during something like this have not have because they have a grudge against me or just don't like me. But the mercy that you give is the mercy you shall recieve one day. So, Father, please help me forgive them because the hurt they have inflicted on me runs deep.

I called a friend from church up last night who also lost her husband to cancer. The way she told me was that God had planned Randy's life out- his birth, his death and everything in between. So no matter what I could have done- God had already decided Randy's time to leave this earth. One of the only things God does not govern is how we treat each other in thought, word or deed.
So it was out of my control. Just like my hurt. I loved him so much that I hurt twice as much now. Only God knows how much I can handle. Thank God for the friends and family who have stayed by me and lifted me up because I wouldn't have made it this far.

Still moving forward

I have been feeling so mixed up lately. I will a good day and then some bad days. The last couple of days have been sort of depressing but I think being sick, then the rain and all this stress from retaking finals from over a year ago has got me feeling this way. I am very angry lately but it is not destructive anger. It is more like just being angry at how life can just turn upside down and topsy turvy in a second.

The good news is that we are still moving forward. Kevin is doing great in speech and school. Averi has pulled her math grade up and she doesn't have as many melt downs as she used to. She is more worried about making sure I am ok right now. I thank God for her because she has such a kind heart. Kevin is so sweet like Randy. He will just grab my hand and hols it for no reason. Randy used to hold my hand while we watched tv or were driving down the road. Sometimes I feel maybe Randy is reaching out thru the kids. He was such a sweet man.

But the kids are happy overall and I think that comes from Randy and I always putting them first and spending time with them. I just miss so many things about Randy and our life together. I don't think I will ever be as happy as I was when he was here on earth. Life will never be the same.

Reality bites my pity party

I have been so mad lately. I know life isn't fair- it never has been for me- but I am just so angry lately. I am never going to get my life back and it pisses me off! I was happy. Averi and Kevin were happy. Now there is no more Randy. I have to take all these finals OVER just to start back in as senior. I am cramming a semester's worth of work in two days and I am being overloaded! Am I going to be ale to handle some of the things I see in clinic? What if I get a cancer patient? What if I have to watch someone die? Why did this happen? I wish I could talk to God and just ask him- why my husband? He was decent and kind and good. And now he is gone! And I am overwhelmed at having to pick up the pieces, start over, and face reality. I have never felt so alone and so cheated and robbed!

I mean, would it have been better if I didn't have to watch him die? Those memories flash back and I try to remember the good times like everyone says but when you watch the one person you love so much go through the dying process the way Randy did, it is hard to not remember those last moments. Everyone who is 'so sorry for your loss' gets to go on with their normal every day life and I don't. I'll never get that life back. It wouldn't have been better in any way. My heart breaks for Randy. And it breaks for Averi and Kevin. I'm just mad that it hurts so bad and time doesn't feel like it is making it better. At all. Time is not making it better. It hasn't even dulled it. I know it hasn't been long since his passing but it hurts as if it were the day he died.

I believe the Footprints poem about how God carries you during your lowest times and that is why there is only one set of footprints in the sand. I hope he is carrying me because I really need it right now.

anniversaries and new beginnings

Yesterday would have been six years of marriage for me and Randy. It was very hard for me because I feel in my heart that I am still married to Randy, yet our vows said until death do us part. Yesterday was a day of mourning for me. The marriage that I cherished is no longer and it is very hard for me to let that go. I wanted to shut myself away from everyone but I made myself go to both church services yesterday because at least I could be in a place where I feel closer to God and maybe he would help me in some way.

Yesterday was also a family meeting for Randy's family. They've agreed on his marker and hopefully, soon he will have his name on his grave. Averi worries about why her daddy doesn't have his marker whenever we go visit his grave. Some people may not understand but I cannot make myself go thru any more quarrels and he said, she said stuff. I HAVE to move forward not only for myself but for Averi and Kevin. I need my own peace because if I stay in this grief and what if's, I won't be of use to anybody. I made a promise to Randy to put these children first and thank God he asked me too because some days I just don't want to function. I want to lay in bed and just cry because it hurts so bad. But I remember his face and looking in it and making that vow. He knew this would tear me apart and that going on for the kids would keep me sane. I cannot let myself give up. I look at Averi and Kevin and I see Randy. And I cannot give up. Randy didn't give up.

I was told the meeting went well and I am glad for that. A lot of hurtful things have happened but we all need peace. We all need to accept that Randy is healed and that he is experiencing something so glorious and wonderful that it is beyond anything here on this earth. I wish peace for us all so that we can heal and that Randy can rest in peace and not frown upon any disagreements here on earth. But that comes from within and only true peace comes from Christ. Randy can only go on in love, not strife. If we cannot love each other in the sense that we let each other heal in our own way without causing grief for others, then that is not honoring Randy or the command that Christ gave us to love one another in his name.

My husband saved me. Watching him keep his faith and draw closer to Christ during those unbelievably hard times was an example to me that if you trust in God, he will save you. Randy wasn't healed physically but he was healed spiritually. I thank God everyday for giving my husband eternal life. Randy is more alive now than he was here on earth. But it is just missing him that hurts. My preacher said that it hurts so great because the love was so great. And I never loved anyone the way I love Randy. And the sad thing is I probably never will. Nothing will ever compare to what we had.

Today I have to take the first of my exams. I am going back to finish school and start this new beginning. If this is what God wants me to do then it will happen. I can only trust in His plan of what he has for my life. I am putting the children first so that I can provide the home and life that Randy and I would have done together.

sunbeams

When Randy passed away, I looked out his window so full of shock and sadness. All I could do was pray that he had made his way into our Father's kingdom and was at peace at last. Then when I looked up, I saw sunbeams coming out of the clouds and they were so radiant and glorious that I couldn't help but feel as if I was being sent a message that Randy was okay and that I was going to be okay as well. From time to time, when it is real cloudy and the storms pass I go outside and look up and I may happen to see a sunbeam and then again I may not.

The last time we went to the upstate, the kids and I went with Kellie to take Marlie back to campus and I was feeling so depressed and missing Randy so much. We were riding thru the most beautiful country and as I was looking out my window, I saw sunbeams. Maybe people thinkI am reading too much into this but I had the feeling that Randy had asked God to send down some sunbeams my way to comfort me. Randy and I had a conversation some weeks before he passed. He told me that he was not going to beat the cancer he had. My husband always protected me, always comforted me, always was my support system. I asked him that if that was God's plans if he thought that maybe from time to time, he could somehow comfort me when things got so unbearable. His reply was that he could try and he didn't see why God wouldn't provide that for me. You see, I have never hurt like this before. Even when my mother passed from her cancer, I hurt but not like this. This hurt goes to the very core of me and sometimes I feel like it will never get better. It is during those moments that I see those sunbeams and I know my husband is still with me in a way comforting me and loving and giving me the strength to be there for our children. So whoever reads this that knew Randy, I hope when you see a sunbeam that you are comforted and that you know that he loves you still.

good and bad

I haven't posted in a while but that is because so much has been happening in my life- good and bad. The good is the most important because that is what I take with me into my steps towards a new life. I am returning to school at Midlands Tech. The department has given me the opportunity to cycle in with the upcoming senior class this Fall but not until I refresh my clinical skills and retake all my finals. But that is okay. God gives us opportunitues but that doesn't mean He doesn't expect us to work for them. I know Randy would be proud of me taking this step forward. This degree would open the door to so many opportunities for me to be able to provide for the children. Also, I have reconnected with my family and have gotten to know my step sister and stepbrother better. They seem like good people and I cannot wait to get to spend more time with them. I also am getting more involved in church and that is one of the most important areas of my life and for Averi and Kevin's lives. They are my family here and I have never felt so welcome and supported and loved as I have at Pine Grove Baptist.

Now the bad- I found out that I am not the owner of Randy's plot as I was led to believe. I actually signed over the rights to his remains to the sister that owns it. So using her power, she willnot allowme to place a marker on his plot until I give her some things of his that she wants. A lot of people would say "well, it is just material things- give it to her" because he needs to have his name on his plot. I agree- Randy needs his grave to be marked. But should his remains be held hostage to satisfy someone's demands? To me, God has the most important part of Randy- his soul. This person has put me thru so much that the day I was told this, I instantly had had enough! Randy would not have wanted me to go thru this much crap because someone wants to make me feel as miserable as she does. So I gave it up to God and I gave the responsibility of marking his remains to his family. I have never felt as disrespected as I have the past six months. And I prayed about it and cried about it and thought about it and screamed about it. I came to this conclusion- my beloved, wonderful husband would have wanted me to move on so that his children would be able to move on. I promised Randy that I would ALWAYS put these two children first in every thought and action. So remembering that vow, I am doing just that.

I don't want to put any more grief on his family especially the ones who have been so supportive and loving to me and Averi and Kevin. But I cannot deal with anger, bitternes and the guilt of others. And I feel GREAT! I feel as if my husband is tellingme to go get that degree and make something of my life. The hardest thing I ever had to do is say good bye to the one person who I felt such a deep connection to and then literally watch him die at 36 years of life. I won't stand for anyone to try to make me feel regret over anything I did because all I did for Randy was love him and honor our wedding vows. Now the hardest things are helping these kids thru their grief while trying to help myself thru mine and trying to pick up the pieces of a great life that I had with a wonderful man.

So, I am moving forward with faith in God that if this is the plan for my life that He has destined for me then it will be. He will see me thru and I will always have Randy's love and support as long as I walk the path that will lead me back to his arms one day in eternity. The bad will stay in the past but I will carry the good with me. I will be fine because I will cling to my saviour and He will guide me and Averi and Kevin.

What Randy taught me

Every story has a beginning and sometimes thebeginning of one story involves the ending of another. My husband, Randy, passed away on February 10, 2009 after a four month 'known' battle with DSRCT which is a terribly aggressive malignant cancer related to sarcoma. I found myslef a single mother at age 33 to two young children. Averi is 7 and the apple of her father's eye. She loves me but Randy was her best friend. Kevin is 4 and is more attached to me but his daddy was a superhero in his eyes and still is. Averi understands the permanancy of death but Kevin thinks he can 'visit' Heaven and play with daddy but come home to watch Spongebob.

Randy is the most wonderful man I have ever known. He is a real man who put his family first, worked every day and then some, gave his heart and soul to Christ, and is the best thing I could have ever asked for. I talk about him in the present tense because to me, he is still 'alive' as he will always be because he is a part of me and always will be. I have two very special reminders that I take care of every day.

My husband taught me a lot during his battle with his illness. But so did God. I was praying that God would miraculously cure Randy because He can perform miracles, right? I remember that towards the end of Randy's life, I would wait until he went to sleep in his hospital bed and cry and beg God to please spare him. I would have gladly taken his place just please don't let him throw up anymore, don't let him hurt, let him live to see his children grow up, take me instead! Let me feel bad instead of him, let me hurt and not be able to eat. Let me suffer at the thought of not watching my children grow up. That is how much I love this man.

I was thinking today about the Crucifixion and how Jesus endured so much torture and suffering- for us. He knew what was coming. Randy did too. He knew he wasn't going to win the earthly struggle. But he won the spiritual. Christ died for us so that we would become worthy to live in eternity with him and the Father. While watching succumb to cancer, I would wonder if God's heart broke watching his son suffer the way mine broke watching Randy go thru his.

Randy left this world on February 10 at 8:58 am. It was a beautiful morning. I had stepped out to use the bathroom and coming out, the nurse ran in and said he had passed. Did he wait for me to leave? I hadn't left all night. I sat by his side, suctioned his mouththat was overflowing from the fluid filling his lungs, talked to him and repeatedly told him how much I love him. Randy always protected me, always looked out for me. Always loved me. Was he still doing that with the few seconds he had left on this earth? I remember looking out the window while his sister Kellie had her moment with his body. The sun was so bright and the rays were reaching down from the sky. I felt so at peace. Was Randy's halo glowing that bright, I wondered? Everytime I see a ray of sunshine, I think of him and the glory he must have seen that morning. My heart just fills with joy for him.

Here I am today without him. It hurts. It hurts to watch our daughter try to sort out the many emotions she is going thru and to understand why her daddy out of all the others in the world, why hers? It hurts when people say that Kevin won't remember Randy because of his age.

God has his reasons and we may never know why things happen that cause us heartache. But Randy taught me to trust in God even if it hurts, even if we don't understand, even if we don't agree. We really have no say in the matter. But God wants us to trust Him. To know that He does love us even when our heart is breaking into a million different little pieces.

But it just hurts so bad to see an elderly couple and think that it should be me and Randy one day. To hear women complain about their husbands and I would love to say Randy got on my nerves today. To see a man grab his wife's hand and wish my husband could be holding mine. To know that I'll never have another child with him again but at least we have two.

Trust in God. Lay every trouble, every worry at His feet and you will be amazed at how much peace you will feel knowing that you trust His plan for your life. It is not easy and the devil finds a way to weave fear and anxiety and trouble into it. But if a man faced with his final days can say he is ready to leave this world with so much positivity and energy that you wonder if he lost his mind in the process, then why can't those of us left here do that?

Randy is in a better place. A place we should all strive to be. If he can stay strong and positive during his suffering, I can too during my grief. That is what my husband and best friend taught me.