Thursday, April 30, 2009

Reality bites my pity party

I have been so mad lately. I know life isn't fair- it never has been for me- but I am just so angry lately. I am never going to get my life back and it pisses me off! I was happy. Averi and Kevin were happy. Now there is no more Randy. I have to take all these finals OVER just to start back in as senior. I am cramming a semester's worth of work in two days and I am being overloaded! Am I going to be ale to handle some of the things I see in clinic? What if I get a cancer patient? What if I have to watch someone die? Why did this happen? I wish I could talk to God and just ask him- why my husband? He was decent and kind and good. And now he is gone! And I am overwhelmed at having to pick up the pieces, start over, and face reality. I have never felt so alone and so cheated and robbed!

I mean, would it have been better if I didn't have to watch him die? Those memories flash back and I try to remember the good times like everyone says but when you watch the one person you love so much go through the dying process the way Randy did, it is hard to not remember those last moments. Everyone who is 'so sorry for your loss' gets to go on with their normal every day life and I don't. I'll never get that life back. It wouldn't have been better in any way. My heart breaks for Randy. And it breaks for Averi and Kevin. I'm just mad that it hurts so bad and time doesn't feel like it is making it better. At all. Time is not making it better. It hasn't even dulled it. I know it hasn't been long since his passing but it hurts as if it were the day he died.

I believe the Footprints poem about how God carries you during your lowest times and that is why there is only one set of footprints in the sand. I hope he is carrying me because I really need it right now.

Monday, April 27, 2009

anniversaries and new beginnings

Yesterday would have been six years of marriage for me and Randy. It was very hard for me because I feel in my heart that I am still married to Randy, yet our vows said until death do us part. Yesterday was a day of mourning for me. The marriage that I cherished is no longer and it is very hard for me to let that go. I wanted to shut myself away from everyone but I made myself go to both church services yesterday because at least I could be in a place where I feel closer to God and maybe he would help me in some way.

Yesterday was also a family meeting for Randy's family. They've agreed on his marker and hopefully, soon he will have his name on his grave. Averi worries about why her daddy doesn't have his marker whenever we go visit his grave. Some people may not understand but I cannot make myself go thru any more quarrels and he said, she said stuff. I HAVE to move forward not only for myself but for Averi and Kevin. I need my own peace because if I stay in this grief and what if's, I won't be of use to anybody. I made a promise to Randy to put these children first and thank God he asked me too because some days I just don't want to function. I want to lay in bed and just cry because it hurts so bad. But I remember his face and looking in it and making that vow. He knew this would tear me apart and that going on for the kids would keep me sane. I cannot let myself give up. I look at Averi and Kevin and I see Randy. And I cannot give up. Randy didn't give up.

I was told the meeting went well and I am glad for that. A lot of hurtful things have happened but we all need peace. We all need to accept that Randy is healed and that he is experiencing something so glorious and wonderful that it is beyond anything here on this earth. I wish peace for us all so that we can heal and that Randy can rest in peace and not frown upon any disagreements here on earth. But that comes from within and only true peace comes from Christ. Randy can only go on in love, not strife. If we cannot love each other in the sense that we let each other heal in our own way without causing grief for others, then that is not honoring Randy or the command that Christ gave us to love one another in his name.

My husband saved me. Watching him keep his faith and draw closer to Christ during those unbelievably hard times was an example to me that if you trust in God, he will save you. Randy wasn't healed physically but he was healed spiritually. I thank God everyday for giving my husband eternal life. Randy is more alive now than he was here on earth. But it is just missing him that hurts. My preacher said that it hurts so great because the love was so great. And I never loved anyone the way I love Randy. And the sad thing is I probably never will. Nothing will ever compare to what we had.

Today I have to take the first of my exams. I am going back to finish school and start this new beginning. If this is what God wants me to do then it will happen. I can only trust in His plan of what he has for my life. I am putting the children first so that I can provide the home and life that Randy and I would have done together.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


When Randy passed away, I looked out his window so full of shock and sadness. All I could do was pray that he had made his way into our Father's kingdom and was at peace at last. Then when I looked up, I saw sunbeams coming out of the clouds and they were so radiant and glorious that I couldn't help but feel as if I was being sent a message that Randy was okay and that I was going to be okay as well. From time to time, when it is real cloudy and the storms pass I go outside and look up and I may happen to see a sunbeam and then again I may not.

The last time we went to the upstate, the kids and I went with Kellie to take Marlie back to campus and I was feeling so depressed and missing Randy so much. We were riding thru the most beautiful country and as I was looking out my window, I saw sunbeams. Maybe people thinkI am reading too much into this but I had the feeling that Randy had asked God to send down some sunbeams my way to comfort me. Randy and I had a conversation some weeks before he passed. He told me that he was not going to beat the cancer he had. My husband always protected me, always comforted me, always was my support system. I asked him that if that was God's plans if he thought that maybe from time to time, he could somehow comfort me when things got so unbearable. His reply was that he could try and he didn't see why God wouldn't provide that for me. You see, I have never hurt like this before. Even when my mother passed from her cancer, I hurt but not like this. This hurt goes to the very core of me and sometimes I feel like it will never get better. It is during those moments that I see those sunbeams and I know my husband is still with me in a way comforting me and loving and giving me the strength to be there for our children. So whoever reads this that knew Randy, I hope when you see a sunbeam that you are comforted and that you know that he loves you still.

Monday, April 20, 2009

good and bad

I haven't posted in a while but that is because so much has been happening in my life- good and bad. The good is the most important because that is what I take with me into my steps towards a new life. I am returning to school at Midlands Tech. The department has given me the opportunity to cycle in with the upcoming senior class this Fall but not until I refresh my clinical skills and retake all my finals. But that is okay. God gives us opportunitues but that doesn't mean He doesn't expect us to work for them. I know Randy would be proud of me taking this step forward. This degree would open the door to so many opportunities for me to be able to provide for the children. Also, I have reconnected with my family and have gotten to know my step sister and stepbrother better. They seem like good people and I cannot wait to get to spend more time with them. I also am getting more involved in church and that is one of the most important areas of my life and for Averi and Kevin's lives. They are my family here and I have never felt so welcome and supported and loved as I have at Pine Grove Baptist.

Now the bad- I found out that I am not the owner of Randy's plot as I was led to believe. I actually signed over the rights to his remains to the sister that owns it. So using her power, she willnot allowme to place a marker on his plot until I give her some things of his that she wants. A lot of people would say "well, it is just material things- give it to her" because he needs to have his name on his plot. I agree- Randy needs his grave to be marked. But should his remains be held hostage to satisfy someone's demands? To me, God has the most important part of Randy- his soul. This person has put me thru so much that the day I was told this, I instantly had had enough! Randy would not have wanted me to go thru this much crap because someone wants to make me feel as miserable as she does. So I gave it up to God and I gave the responsibility of marking his remains to his family. I have never felt as disrespected as I have the past six months. And I prayed about it and cried about it and thought about it and screamed about it. I came to this conclusion- my beloved, wonderful husband would have wanted me to move on so that his children would be able to move on. I promised Randy that I would ALWAYS put these two children first in every thought and action. So remembering that vow, I am doing just that.

I don't want to put any more grief on his family especially the ones who have been so supportive and loving to me and Averi and Kevin. But I cannot deal with anger, bitternes and the guilt of others. And I feel GREAT! I feel as if my husband is tellingme to go get that degree and make something of my life. The hardest thing I ever had to do is say good bye to the one person who I felt such a deep connection to and then literally watch him die at 36 years of life. I won't stand for anyone to try to make me feel regret over anything I did because all I did for Randy was love him and honor our wedding vows. Now the hardest things are helping these kids thru their grief while trying to help myself thru mine and trying to pick up the pieces of a great life that I had with a wonderful man.

So, I am moving forward with faith in God that if this is the plan for my life that He has destined for me then it will be. He will see me thru and I will always have Randy's love and support as long as I walk the path that will lead me back to his arms one day in eternity. The bad will stay in the past but I will carry the good with me. I will be fine because I will cling to my saviour and He will guide me and Averi and Kevin.