Monday, April 27, 2009

anniversaries and new beginnings

Yesterday would have been six years of marriage for me and Randy. It was very hard for me because I feel in my heart that I am still married to Randy, yet our vows said until death do us part. Yesterday was a day of mourning for me. The marriage that I cherished is no longer and it is very hard for me to let that go. I wanted to shut myself away from everyone but I made myself go to both church services yesterday because at least I could be in a place where I feel closer to God and maybe he would help me in some way.

Yesterday was also a family meeting for Randy's family. They've agreed on his marker and hopefully, soon he will have his name on his grave. Averi worries about why her daddy doesn't have his marker whenever we go visit his grave. Some people may not understand but I cannot make myself go thru any more quarrels and he said, she said stuff. I HAVE to move forward not only for myself but for Averi and Kevin. I need my own peace because if I stay in this grief and what if's, I won't be of use to anybody. I made a promise to Randy to put these children first and thank God he asked me too because some days I just don't want to function. I want to lay in bed and just cry because it hurts so bad. But I remember his face and looking in it and making that vow. He knew this would tear me apart and that going on for the kids would keep me sane. I cannot let myself give up. I look at Averi and Kevin and I see Randy. And I cannot give up. Randy didn't give up.

I was told the meeting went well and I am glad for that. A lot of hurtful things have happened but we all need peace. We all need to accept that Randy is healed and that he is experiencing something so glorious and wonderful that it is beyond anything here on this earth. I wish peace for us all so that we can heal and that Randy can rest in peace and not frown upon any disagreements here on earth. But that comes from within and only true peace comes from Christ. Randy can only go on in love, not strife. If we cannot love each other in the sense that we let each other heal in our own way without causing grief for others, then that is not honoring Randy or the command that Christ gave us to love one another in his name.

My husband saved me. Watching him keep his faith and draw closer to Christ during those unbelievably hard times was an example to me that if you trust in God, he will save you. Randy wasn't healed physically but he was healed spiritually. I thank God everyday for giving my husband eternal life. Randy is more alive now than he was here on earth. But it is just missing him that hurts. My preacher said that it hurts so great because the love was so great. And I never loved anyone the way I love Randy. And the sad thing is I probably never will. Nothing will ever compare to what we had.

Today I have to take the first of my exams. I am going back to finish school and start this new beginning. If this is what God wants me to do then it will happen. I can only trust in His plan of what he has for my life. I am putting the children first so that I can provide the home and life that Randy and I would have done together.

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