Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cleaning out my closet

So I blocked a bunch of people off my Facebook because I just want to. They have not contributed anything to life after Randy. They had nice things to say at the funeral about how sorry they were for my loss, the kids loss, and of course the ever popular if you need anything... I need my husband back. So some that I deleted happened to be Randy's family. Things got nasty before and after death with them and I have gotten to where I don't want them in my life. Maybe that is unfair and you know how people love to use children as leverage ("Its not fair to the children"). No its not fair to the children that their daddy is dead but it is fair that they not be subjected to what I have seen and experienced firsthand by so called 'family'. God has blessed us with people who are family and who have become family who bring us all the love and support and just positivity that 'family' should bring. The ones who are a part of our 'every day' life and not just when your conscience starts acting up. Anyway, I had one person friend request me who I found out lied to me and basically has repeated things about me. So she asks me why I havent accepted her friend request. Why? Because I don't want to. So she apologizes for whatever she has done. To that I don't respond. I don't owe anyone anything except Averi and Kevin.

I have changed so much and those people who havent bothered to live up to their promises that they shouldn't have made to begin with don't even realize what death will do to someone. You hurt so much and cry so hard that some things just don't bother you anymore. My heart literally broke in my chest over and over the past two years and not many people have a clue. They don't want a clue really. You are always a widow. You always have that dream that never happens.

I have avoided Randy's clothes until the stupid water heater burst and then I had to throw bags of stuff away. And now I find myself sitting in the middle of piles of Randy's clothes wondering yet again why life just doesn't turn out like you expect. The kids have picked out what they would like to keep and get some quilts made out of. I just hate parting with anything that he touched. Its like letting go again and again and it hurts over and over. and its a reminder of why he isnt here and that he will never be here. Life is just so unpredictable. I look over and Averi is watching me to see how I am reacting. Kevin just wants to know if I find anything in his pockets. So far I find nothing but memories. His favorite workclothes. The pair of shorts I bought him one year before he was diagnosed and he lost so much weight he couldnt wear them. This is just hell so I cry with Averi watching me and she walks off maybe so I don't see her cry? Or maybe she just cannot watch me cry....especially when I find his wedding clothes and my dress.

I wrap one of his sweatshirts around me (A USC one at that..eeewwww) and pretend that it is him for just a second. I hate reality tonight. I hate cancer. But tonight I have to clean out this closet. I just cannot heal with all this excess in my life whether it be clothes or people who bring me down.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

chocolate and boundaries

Its so hard to be a single parent especially when strangers feel the need to intervene when you are setting boundaries in oublic. My 7 year old wanted chocolate at a Walgreens this afternoon. My answer was repeatedly and consistently "NO" with a "and that is final" following the last NO. The cashier felt the need to butt in and say "Oh a little chocolate never hurt anyone". Really, lady? Do you really think it is necessary for you to interfere with my parenting and not only convey to my children that it is ok for them to disrespect their mother but also that they should question me? Oh the nerve of some people! I gave her the stare down stink eye to which she immediately shut up and avoided eye contact.

I never would have chosen the single mother route but unfortunately, life steps in and chooses for us. Its hard trying to lay boundaries and rules along with morals and examples in this world by yourself. I have no back-up. I cannot use the threat that my mother used one me- "Just wait til your father gets home". Its all me. And to have someone try to undermine what I have worked so hard the past two years to build by myself really pisses me off!

People are so quick to criticize. but if they had to walk the past two years in my shoes a majority of them would not have made it as far as I have. Don't criticize single parents or any parent for that matter. No one is perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect parent. My child forgot about that chocolate as soon as we hit the highway and my boundaries were still held strong. So,Walgreen's lady, stick to your job responsibilities and don't try to be Oprah with a scanner. Please and thank you.

Monday, August 22, 2011

stuck and sleepy

Can't sleep lately. I go thru periods of where I am exhausted to days where I am fine with three to four hours of sleep. I went sleep this morning at 5 am and was up by 930...

I want to clean everything in my path, throw out stuff I am not using or cannot wear. But I cannot bring myself to go thru his things and weed them out. It would be like throwing a part of him out. I would love the closet space but every familiar piece of clothing is just too painful to part with. So its tucked away in plastic boxes taking up space never to be worn by him again. I thought about having quilts made for the children but I don't know... I told him that it was okay to go but I still haven't let go. And I'm stuck between wanting to hold onto what I had and wanting to move forward in hopes of experiencing sometype of love again.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

UGH...trying to fight a migraine and write this blog because I just feel the need to. Its been a year since my last entry and so much has happened. I graduated, have a great job, met some great people and weeded some old negative ones out. Life is change.

I miss him. I look thru his pictures and I can still feel how his skin felt. I can visually trace his jawline in his pictures and physically remember how his stubble felt under my fingertips. I hear his voice saying certain things- my name, the kids name, I love you, don't forget me, you deserve to be loved....All these memories I live with-good, bad, funny, horrifying. I think about more than I forget.

Randy's death involved so many emotions. Love, anger, devastation, betrayal, stupidity, jealousy. Most of all lies. So many people said to me in the receiving line- if there is anything we can do for you; we will keep in touch; blah blah blah... Guess what? Its two years later and I still haven't heard from these people since that day! And you know what else I hated hearing? "He is in a better place" Well no shit Sherlock Don't you think I know that? Why do you think I am grieving? He is gone! He is not here! People think these words are comforting but they aren't! I wasn't halfway thru the line of people and I wanted to scream so bad- "Just shut the hell up with your damn he is in a better place! Half you people weren't even around the past 10 years!!!!" But, no, I had to be the good widow and hold myself up. My children were watching me. And if there is anything they should remember from that day it should be that no matter how bad you feel inside you stand straight up and you look your fear in the eye and you move forward. Don't let it break you. Their daddy deserved to be laid to rest in the most respectful and honorable way. It wasn't about me that day.

But now it is about me. I didn't need those people who I never heard from again. I remember sitting by Randy's hospital bed those last few days. He kept apologizing to me over and over. I kept telling him to stop saying that. He told me something that I have never forgotten. He said that people were "going to try and take advantage of me and that they are going to gang up on me and say things to hurt me." He said I needed to move forward in life, go back to school, and when they started on me with their lies and hatefulness to look at them and say "F* 'em all". Family doesn't mistreat you but then like one of his sisters told me before he died- I was never family and blood is thicker than water. She made sure of that.

But you know what? Life has proceeded like it should. My children and I are happy and stronger. the memories of their daddy and his love lives on in us. And we still have hard times but we cling to our faith, our true family and friends, and each other. That is family- loving, supporting, and lifting each other up.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

six months

So tomorrow will be six months since Randy left this earth and at times it feels like it was only yesterday yet I havent seen him in so long or felt his arms around me in forever. I cannot believe how far I have come in six months when it comes to school and church. But I stillmiss him like crazy. I still have days where I cry and am so emotional and I have days where I laugh and feel 'normal'. I just cannot believe at times that this has happened. I would have graduated last Thursday had things gone the way they were 'planned'. But that obviously wasn't the plan.

I made it thru summer semester so I guess I will keep on working hard and get thru school and life.

Averi is starting to have more good days than bad. But she misses Randy so very much. It breaks my heart to see her cry or to hear Kevin say that he wants to do certain things with his daddy. He still thinks that he can go to Heaven to see Randy but yet come back. And Averi well- she just wants so bad to have a 'normal' life where daddy and mommy and her and Kevin are together. I can see that in her.

This is hard- life after Randy. So very hard. There is still an emptiness inside of me that Randy used to fill. I just miss him and I hurt for him. I look at what all I have experienced watching the kids grow in the lst 6 months, laughing with them and talking with them- I feel so guilty at times because Randy would have so enjoyed what I am experiencing. Sometimes I wish that I could have taken his place. He was such a good father and I feel like he was cheated out of watching these wonderful, funny children. When something good happens to me- my first instinct is to tell Randy. It hurts when I reality says- Becky, you can't. I think about how much suffering he went thru at the end and I hurt for him. I wish I could have one more day with him but if it means he would have the cancer then I wouldn't want that. I want my husband back but I cannot have him back. I feel so alone at times because he always made me laugh and he knew ME- when I needed to talk or when I needed time. We shared so much history together and when I think about my life- I cannot see anyone but him as my other half.

I dream about him, I talk about him, I think about him, I talk to him... I think I am crazy at times. But how do I live a life without him when we shared so much? He will always be a part of me.

I don't believe that time heals all wounds- I think time numbs them. I will never stop crying for Randy but I hope one day me and the kids can at least think of him and not hurt so bad.

I know God is there for us. He has gotten us this far and it really could be worse. I do not understand why this happened although I can look back on past times and be greatful that Randy did accept Christ as his savior way before he got sick. I know where Randy is at- there is no doubt- and I thank God for that comfort. I just miss him.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Summer so far

It is summer. We are starting to become more adjusted to the way life is going to be without Randy. I am in my 4th week of school. Clinicals started out well and hopefully will continue that way. I had a tough time this past weekend because we celebrated the kids birthdays this past Saturday yet the absence of Randy was very strong for me. It was very emotional for me and for Averi too. She had been missing him all week to the point to where she just wanted to sleep all the time. Last week was just exhausting and this weekend wasn't any better. But I was very thankful for my good friends especially the ones who keep me going thruout the week. I have all the responsibilities now with no one to help me divide them so it has taken a lot of adjustment and organization and coffee but we are gettting there!

I pray that God gives me the strength to get the next year. It is going to be hard financially, emotionally and physically but if this is in His plan, then it will be. I used to struggle with trusting people but the only one I need to trust is the Lord. Everything else will fall in place for me and Averi and Kevin.

I just miss Randy. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss a person. I go to sleep at night and I dream about him constantly. I don't want to wake up because I feel like it is reliving losing him all over again. But if I didn't dream about him, it would be awful. It is like the dreams are comforting yet painful at that same time. And we do everyday things together. We are riding in the car in one. Sitting together on the couch watching tv in another. We are laughing and joking at other times.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

busy days

It has been a while since I have written but I have been very busy. It has been a blessing because I am able to keep my mind focused on certain things therefore away from thinking about the what if's, the broken dreams, and the last moments. I am back in school trying to adjust to being with new classmates and missing my old ones at the same time. I spent hte first few days feeling sorry for myself but then realized I am doing this for the kids and myself- not to be in a popularity contest!

So I got my focus back. This weekend was great! Most of it was spent with people from church and I haven't felt this good in a long time! Averi got to go horseback riding Saturday morning and she loved it! But she has had her moments. I guess when I am up, she is down. Vice versa. But as long as we are here for each other- we'll get thru. Life is going to go on regardless because God 's plan is still in motion for those that Randy left behind. I know as long as I keep my heart open, God will guide me in the right direction as He will the kids too.