Sunday, August 21, 2011

UGH...trying to fight a migraine and write this blog because I just feel the need to. Its been a year since my last entry and so much has happened. I graduated, have a great job, met some great people and weeded some old negative ones out. Life is change.

I miss him. I look thru his pictures and I can still feel how his skin felt. I can visually trace his jawline in his pictures and physically remember how his stubble felt under my fingertips. I hear his voice saying certain things- my name, the kids name, I love you, don't forget me, you deserve to be loved....All these memories I live with-good, bad, funny, horrifying. I think about more than I forget.

Randy's death involved so many emotions. Love, anger, devastation, betrayal, stupidity, jealousy. Most of all lies. So many people said to me in the receiving line- if there is anything we can do for you; we will keep in touch; blah blah blah... Guess what? Its two years later and I still haven't heard from these people since that day! And you know what else I hated hearing? "He is in a better place" Well no shit Sherlock Don't you think I know that? Why do you think I am grieving? He is gone! He is not here! People think these words are comforting but they aren't! I wasn't halfway thru the line of people and I wanted to scream so bad- "Just shut the hell up with your damn he is in a better place! Half you people weren't even around the past 10 years!!!!" But, no, I had to be the good widow and hold myself up. My children were watching me. And if there is anything they should remember from that day it should be that no matter how bad you feel inside you stand straight up and you look your fear in the eye and you move forward. Don't let it break you. Their daddy deserved to be laid to rest in the most respectful and honorable way. It wasn't about me that day.

But now it is about me. I didn't need those people who I never heard from again. I remember sitting by Randy's hospital bed those last few days. He kept apologizing to me over and over. I kept telling him to stop saying that. He told me something that I have never forgotten. He said that people were "going to try and take advantage of me and that they are going to gang up on me and say things to hurt me." He said I needed to move forward in life, go back to school, and when they started on me with their lies and hatefulness to look at them and say "F* 'em all". Family doesn't mistreat you but then like one of his sisters told me before he died- I was never family and blood is thicker than water. She made sure of that.

But you know what? Life has proceeded like it should. My children and I are happy and stronger. the memories of their daddy and his love lives on in us. And we still have hard times but we cling to our faith, our true family and friends, and each other. That is family- loving, supporting, and lifting each other up.

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