Sunday, May 24, 2009

busy days

It has been a while since I have written but I have been very busy. It has been a blessing because I am able to keep my mind focused on certain things therefore away from thinking about the what if's, the broken dreams, and the last moments. I am back in school trying to adjust to being with new classmates and missing my old ones at the same time. I spent hte first few days feeling sorry for myself but then realized I am doing this for the kids and myself- not to be in a popularity contest!

So I got my focus back. This weekend was great! Most of it was spent with people from church and I haven't felt this good in a long time! Averi got to go horseback riding Saturday morning and she loved it! But she has had her moments. I guess when I am up, she is down. Vice versa. But as long as we are here for each other- we'll get thru. Life is going to go on regardless because God 's plan is still in motion for those that Randy left behind. I know as long as I keep my heart open, God will guide me in the right direction as He will the kids too.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

3 months

Yeasterday was an awful day. Sunday was the three month period since Randy's passing. I thought that keeping busy with church and the kids and errands would help. But the worse was just prolonged. It was so gloomy yesterday and there were storms. Too bad that I didn't realize that I was having a storm of emotions come thru my life as well.

Yesterday I questioned myself. I took alot of crap from people right before Randy died and am still going through it- just not as bad. People have blamed me for Randy's passing- that I didn't do enough to make him get the treatment he needed. That I controlled him and made him miserable. Very hurtful things that although I know in my heart they are not true. But the devil uses things like that as ammunition when you are choosing to walk God's path. So I had thoughts like- 'Well, I wouldn't be going thru this hurt and loss if I had made him do more chemo', 'Did he really love me or did I imagine that'...etc. People do not realize that the things they say can never be taken back and words do have an effect on the person they are aimed at. What did I do to deserve to lose my husband and then to be so mistreated? There are people that do not understand the type of hurt I am going thru. I watched the father of my children die. Those images replay over and over in my mind. I cannot think of good times or look at pictures without crying because I have lost so much. And people that I thought would stand by me during something like this have not have because they have a grudge against me or just don't like me. But the mercy that you give is the mercy you shall recieve one day. So, Father, please help me forgive them because the hurt they have inflicted on me runs deep.

I called a friend from church up last night who also lost her husband to cancer. The way she told me was that God had planned Randy's life out- his birth, his death and everything in between. So no matter what I could have done- God had already decided Randy's time to leave this earth. One of the only things God does not govern is how we treat each other in thought, word or deed.
So it was out of my control. Just like my hurt. I loved him so much that I hurt twice as much now. Only God knows how much I can handle. Thank God for the friends and family who have stayed by me and lifted me up because I wouldn't have made it this far.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Still moving forward

I have been feeling so mixed up lately. I will a good day and then some bad days. The last couple of days have been sort of depressing but I think being sick, then the rain and all this stress from retaking finals from over a year ago has got me feeling this way. I am very angry lately but it is not destructive anger. It is more like just being angry at how life can just turn upside down and topsy turvy in a second.

The good news is that we are still moving forward. Kevin is doing great in speech and school. Averi has pulled her math grade up and she doesn't have as many melt downs as she used to. She is more worried about making sure I am ok right now. I thank God for her because she has such a kind heart. Kevin is so sweet like Randy. He will just grab my hand and hols it for no reason. Randy used to hold my hand while we watched tv or were driving down the road. Sometimes I feel maybe Randy is reaching out thru the kids. He was such a sweet man.

But the kids are happy overall and I think that comes from Randy and I always putting them first and spending time with them. I just miss so many things about Randy and our life together. I don't think I will ever be as happy as I was when he was here on earth. Life will never be the same.