Yeasterday was an awful day. Sunday was the three month period since Randy's passing. I thought that keeping busy with church and the kids and errands would help. But the worse was just prolonged. It was so gloomy yesterday and there were storms. Too bad that I didn't realize that I was having a storm of emotions come thru my life as well.
Yesterday I questioned myself. I took alot of crap from people right before Randy died and am still going through it- just not as bad. People have blamed me for Randy's passing- that I didn't do enough to make him get the treatment he needed. That I controlled him and made him miserable. Very hurtful things that although I know in my heart they are not true. But the devil uses things like that as ammunition when you are choosing to walk God's path. So I had thoughts like- 'Well, I wouldn't be going thru this hurt and loss if I had made him do more chemo', 'Did he really love me or did I imagine that'...etc. People do not realize that the things they say can never be taken back and words do have an effect on the person they are aimed at. What did I do to deserve to lose my husband and then to be so mistreated? There are people that do not understand the type of hurt I am going thru. I watched the father of my children die. Those images replay over and over in my mind. I cannot think of good times or look at pictures without crying because I have lost so much. And people that I thought would stand by me during something like this have not have because they have a grudge against me or just don't like me. But the mercy that you give is the mercy you shall recieve one day. So, Father, please help me forgive them because the hurt they have inflicted on me runs deep.
I called a friend from church up last night who also lost her husband to cancer. The way she told me was that God had planned Randy's life out- his birth, his death and everything in between. So no matter what I could have done- God had already decided Randy's time to leave this earth. One of the only things God does not govern is how we treat each other in thought, word or deed.
So it was out of my control. Just like my hurt. I loved him so much that I hurt twice as much now. Only God knows how much I can handle. Thank God for the friends and family who have stayed by me and lifted me up because I wouldn't have made it this far.