Sunday, August 9, 2009

six months

So tomorrow will be six months since Randy left this earth and at times it feels like it was only yesterday yet I havent seen him in so long or felt his arms around me in forever. I cannot believe how far I have come in six months when it comes to school and church. But I stillmiss him like crazy. I still have days where I cry and am so emotional and I have days where I laugh and feel 'normal'. I just cannot believe at times that this has happened. I would have graduated last Thursday had things gone the way they were 'planned'. But that obviously wasn't the plan.

I made it thru summer semester so I guess I will keep on working hard and get thru school and life.

Averi is starting to have more good days than bad. But she misses Randy so very much. It breaks my heart to see her cry or to hear Kevin say that he wants to do certain things with his daddy. He still thinks that he can go to Heaven to see Randy but yet come back. And Averi well- she just wants so bad to have a 'normal' life where daddy and mommy and her and Kevin are together. I can see that in her.

This is hard- life after Randy. So very hard. There is still an emptiness inside of me that Randy used to fill. I just miss him and I hurt for him. I look at what all I have experienced watching the kids grow in the lst 6 months, laughing with them and talking with them- I feel so guilty at times because Randy would have so enjoyed what I am experiencing. Sometimes I wish that I could have taken his place. He was such a good father and I feel like he was cheated out of watching these wonderful, funny children. When something good happens to me- my first instinct is to tell Randy. It hurts when I reality says- Becky, you can't. I think about how much suffering he went thru at the end and I hurt for him. I wish I could have one more day with him but if it means he would have the cancer then I wouldn't want that. I want my husband back but I cannot have him back. I feel so alone at times because he always made me laugh and he knew ME- when I needed to talk or when I needed time. We shared so much history together and when I think about my life- I cannot see anyone but him as my other half.

I dream about him, I talk about him, I think about him, I talk to him... I think I am crazy at times. But how do I live a life without him when we shared so much? He will always be a part of me.

I don't believe that time heals all wounds- I think time numbs them. I will never stop crying for Randy but I hope one day me and the kids can at least think of him and not hurt so bad.

I know God is there for us. He has gotten us this far and it really could be worse. I do not understand why this happened although I can look back on past times and be greatful that Randy did accept Christ as his savior way before he got sick. I know where Randy is at- there is no doubt- and I thank God for that comfort. I just miss him.

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