Saturday, September 3, 2011

Cleaning out my closet

So I blocked a bunch of people off my Facebook because I just want to. They have not contributed anything to life after Randy. They had nice things to say at the funeral about how sorry they were for my loss, the kids loss, and of course the ever popular if you need anything... I need my husband back. So some that I deleted happened to be Randy's family. Things got nasty before and after death with them and I have gotten to where I don't want them in my life. Maybe that is unfair and you know how people love to use children as leverage ("Its not fair to the children"). No its not fair to the children that their daddy is dead but it is fair that they not be subjected to what I have seen and experienced firsthand by so called 'family'. God has blessed us with people who are family and who have become family who bring us all the love and support and just positivity that 'family' should bring. The ones who are a part of our 'every day' life and not just when your conscience starts acting up. Anyway, I had one person friend request me who I found out lied to me and basically has repeated things about me. So she asks me why I havent accepted her friend request. Why? Because I don't want to. So she apologizes for whatever she has done. To that I don't respond. I don't owe anyone anything except Averi and Kevin.

I have changed so much and those people who havent bothered to live up to their promises that they shouldn't have made to begin with don't even realize what death will do to someone. You hurt so much and cry so hard that some things just don't bother you anymore. My heart literally broke in my chest over and over the past two years and not many people have a clue. They don't want a clue really. You are always a widow. You always have that dream that never happens.

I have avoided Randy's clothes until the stupid water heater burst and then I had to throw bags of stuff away. And now I find myself sitting in the middle of piles of Randy's clothes wondering yet again why life just doesn't turn out like you expect. The kids have picked out what they would like to keep and get some quilts made out of. I just hate parting with anything that he touched. Its like letting go again and again and it hurts over and over. and its a reminder of why he isnt here and that he will never be here. Life is just so unpredictable. I look over and Averi is watching me to see how I am reacting. Kevin just wants to know if I find anything in his pockets. So far I find nothing but memories. His favorite workclothes. The pair of shorts I bought him one year before he was diagnosed and he lost so much weight he couldnt wear them. This is just hell so I cry with Averi watching me and she walks off maybe so I don't see her cry? Or maybe she just cannot watch me cry....especially when I find his wedding clothes and my dress.

I wrap one of his sweatshirts around me (A USC one at that..eeewwww) and pretend that it is him for just a second. I hate reality tonight. I hate cancer. But tonight I have to clean out this closet. I just cannot heal with all this excess in my life whether it be clothes or people who bring me down.

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