Thursday, April 30, 2009

Reality bites my pity party

I have been so mad lately. I know life isn't fair- it never has been for me- but I am just so angry lately. I am never going to get my life back and it pisses me off! I was happy. Averi and Kevin were happy. Now there is no more Randy. I have to take all these finals OVER just to start back in as senior. I am cramming a semester's worth of work in two days and I am being overloaded! Am I going to be ale to handle some of the things I see in clinic? What if I get a cancer patient? What if I have to watch someone die? Why did this happen? I wish I could talk to God and just ask him- why my husband? He was decent and kind and good. And now he is gone! And I am overwhelmed at having to pick up the pieces, start over, and face reality. I have never felt so alone and so cheated and robbed!

I mean, would it have been better if I didn't have to watch him die? Those memories flash back and I try to remember the good times like everyone says but when you watch the one person you love so much go through the dying process the way Randy did, it is hard to not remember those last moments. Everyone who is 'so sorry for your loss' gets to go on with their normal every day life and I don't. I'll never get that life back. It wouldn't have been better in any way. My heart breaks for Randy. And it breaks for Averi and Kevin. I'm just mad that it hurts so bad and time doesn't feel like it is making it better. At all. Time is not making it better. It hasn't even dulled it. I know it hasn't been long since his passing but it hurts as if it were the day he died.

I believe the Footprints poem about how God carries you during your lowest times and that is why there is only one set of footprints in the sand. I hope he is carrying me because I really need it right now.

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