I haven't posted in a while but that is because so much has been happening in my life- good and bad. The good is the most important because that is what I take with me into my steps towards a new life. I am returning to school at Midlands Tech. The department has given me the opportunity to cycle in with the upcoming senior class this Fall but not until I refresh my clinical skills and retake all my finals. But that is okay. God gives us opportunitues but that doesn't mean He doesn't expect us to work for them. I know Randy would be proud of me taking this step forward. This degree would open the door to so many opportunities for me to be able to provide for the children. Also, I have reconnected with my family and have gotten to know my step sister and stepbrother better. They seem like good people and I cannot wait to get to spend more time with them. I also am getting more involved in church and that is one of the most important areas of my life and for Averi and Kevin's lives. They are my family here and I have never felt so welcome and supported and loved as I have at Pine Grove Baptist.
Now the bad- I found out that I am not the owner of Randy's plot as I was led to believe. I actually signed over the rights to his remains to the sister that owns it. So using her power, she willnot allowme to place a marker on his plot until I give her some things of his that she wants. A lot of people would say "well, it is just material things- give it to her" because he needs to have his name on his plot. I agree- Randy needs his grave to be marked. But should his remains be held hostage to satisfy someone's demands? To me, God has the most important part of Randy- his soul. This person has put me thru so much that the day I was told this, I instantly had had enough! Randy would not have wanted me to go thru this much crap because someone wants to make me feel as miserable as she does. So I gave it up to God and I gave the responsibility of marking his remains to his family. I have never felt as disrespected as I have the past six months. And I prayed about it and cried about it and thought about it and screamed about it. I came to this conclusion- my beloved, wonderful husband would have wanted me to move on so that his children would be able to move on. I promised Randy that I would ALWAYS put these two children first in every thought and action. So remembering that vow, I am doing just that.
I don't want to put any more grief on his family especially the ones who have been so supportive and loving to me and Averi and Kevin. But I cannot deal with anger, bitternes and the guilt of others. And I feel GREAT! I feel as if my husband is tellingme to go get that degree and make something of my life. The hardest thing I ever had to do is say good bye to the one person who I felt such a deep connection to and then literally watch him die at 36 years of life. I won't stand for anyone to try to make me feel regret over anything I did because all I did for Randy was love him and honor our wedding vows. Now the hardest things are helping these kids thru their grief while trying to help myself thru mine and trying to pick up the pieces of a great life that I had with a wonderful man.
So, I am moving forward with faith in God that if this is the plan for my life that He has destined for me then it will be. He will see me thru and I will always have Randy's love and support as long as I walk the path that will lead me back to his arms one day in eternity. The bad will stay in the past but I will carry the good with me. I will be fine because I will cling to my saviour and He will guide me and Averi and Kevin.