Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What Randy taught me

Every story has a beginning and sometimes thebeginning of one story involves the ending of another. My husband, Randy, passed away on February 10, 2009 after a four month 'known' battle with DSRCT which is a terribly aggressive malignant cancer related to sarcoma. I found myslef a single mother at age 33 to two young children. Averi is 7 and the apple of her father's eye. She loves me but Randy was her best friend. Kevin is 4 and is more attached to me but his daddy was a superhero in his eyes and still is. Averi understands the permanancy of death but Kevin thinks he can 'visit' Heaven and play with daddy but come home to watch Spongebob.

Randy is the most wonderful man I have ever known. He is a real man who put his family first, worked every day and then some, gave his heart and soul to Christ, and is the best thing I could have ever asked for. I talk about him in the present tense because to me, he is still 'alive' as he will always be because he is a part of me and always will be. I have two very special reminders that I take care of every day.

My husband taught me a lot during his battle with his illness. But so did God. I was praying that God would miraculously cure Randy because He can perform miracles, right? I remember that towards the end of Randy's life, I would wait until he went to sleep in his hospital bed and cry and beg God to please spare him. I would have gladly taken his place just please don't let him throw up anymore, don't let him hurt, let him live to see his children grow up, take me instead! Let me feel bad instead of him, let me hurt and not be able to eat. Let me suffer at the thought of not watching my children grow up. That is how much I love this man.

I was thinking today about the Crucifixion and how Jesus endured so much torture and suffering- for us. He knew what was coming. Randy did too. He knew he wasn't going to win the earthly struggle. But he won the spiritual. Christ died for us so that we would become worthy to live in eternity with him and the Father. While watching succumb to cancer, I would wonder if God's heart broke watching his son suffer the way mine broke watching Randy go thru his.

Randy left this world on February 10 at 8:58 am. It was a beautiful morning. I had stepped out to use the bathroom and coming out, the nurse ran in and said he had passed. Did he wait for me to leave? I hadn't left all night. I sat by his side, suctioned his mouththat was overflowing from the fluid filling his lungs, talked to him and repeatedly told him how much I love him. Randy always protected me, always looked out for me. Always loved me. Was he still doing that with the few seconds he had left on this earth? I remember looking out the window while his sister Kellie had her moment with his body. The sun was so bright and the rays were reaching down from the sky. I felt so at peace. Was Randy's halo glowing that bright, I wondered? Everytime I see a ray of sunshine, I think of him and the glory he must have seen that morning. My heart just fills with joy for him.

Here I am today without him. It hurts. It hurts to watch our daughter try to sort out the many emotions she is going thru and to understand why her daddy out of all the others in the world, why hers? It hurts when people say that Kevin won't remember Randy because of his age.

God has his reasons and we may never know why things happen that cause us heartache. But Randy taught me to trust in God even if it hurts, even if we don't understand, even if we don't agree. We really have no say in the matter. But God wants us to trust Him. To know that He does love us even when our heart is breaking into a million different little pieces.

But it just hurts so bad to see an elderly couple and think that it should be me and Randy one day. To hear women complain about their husbands and I would love to say Randy got on my nerves today. To see a man grab his wife's hand and wish my husband could be holding mine. To know that I'll never have another child with him again but at least we have two.

Trust in God. Lay every trouble, every worry at His feet and you will be amazed at how much peace you will feel knowing that you trust His plan for your life. It is not easy and the devil finds a way to weave fear and anxiety and trouble into it. But if a man faced with his final days can say he is ready to leave this world with so much positivity and energy that you wonder if he lost his mind in the process, then why can't those of us left here do that?

Randy is in a better place. A place we should all strive to be. If he can stay strong and positive during his suffering, I can too during my grief. That is what my husband and best friend taught me.

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