Summer so far

It is summer. We are starting to become more adjusted to the way life is going to be without Randy. I am in my 4th week of school. Clinicals started out well and hopefully will continue that way. I had a tough time this past weekend because we celebrated the kids birthdays this past Saturday yet the absence of Randy was very strong for me. It was very emotional for me and for Averi too. She had been missing him all week to the point to where she just wanted to sleep all the time. Last week was just exhausting and this weekend wasn't any better. But I was very thankful for my good friends especially the ones who keep me going thruout the week. I have all the responsibilities now with no one to help me divide them so it has taken a lot of adjustment and organization and coffee but we are gettting there!

I pray that God gives me the strength to get the next year. It is going to be hard financially, emotionally and physically but if this is in His plan, then it will be. I used to struggle with trusting people but the only one I need to trust is the Lord. Everything else will fall in place for me and Averi and Kevin.

I just miss Randy. I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss a person. I go to sleep at night and I dream about him constantly. I don't want to wake up because I feel like it is reliving losing him all over again. But if I didn't dream about him, it would be awful. It is like the dreams are comforting yet painful at that same time. And we do everyday things together. We are riding in the car in one. Sitting together on the couch watching tv in another. We are laughing and joking at other times.

busy days

It has been a while since I have written but I have been very busy. It has been a blessing because I am able to keep my mind focused on certain things therefore away from thinking about the what if's, the broken dreams, and the last moments. I am back in school trying to adjust to being with new classmates and missing my old ones at the same time. I spent hte first few days feeling sorry for myself but then realized I am doing this for the kids and myself- not to be in a popularity contest!

So I got my focus back. This weekend was great! Most of it was spent with people from church and I haven't felt this good in a long time! Averi got to go horseback riding Saturday morning and she loved it! But she has had her moments. I guess when I am up, she is down. Vice versa. But as long as we are here for each other- we'll get thru. Life is going to go on regardless because God 's plan is still in motion for those that Randy left behind. I know as long as I keep my heart open, God will guide me in the right direction as He will the kids too.

3 months

Yeasterday was an awful day. Sunday was the three month period since Randy's passing. I thought that keeping busy with church and the kids and errands would help. But the worse was just prolonged. It was so gloomy yesterday and there were storms. Too bad that I didn't realize that I was having a storm of emotions come thru my life as well.

Yesterday I questioned myself. I took alot of crap from people right before Randy died and am still going through it- just not as bad. People have blamed me for Randy's passing- that I didn't do enough to make him get the treatment he needed. That I controlled him and made him miserable. Very hurtful things that although I know in my heart they are not true. But the devil uses things like that as ammunition when you are choosing to walk God's path. So I had thoughts like- 'Well, I wouldn't be going thru this hurt and loss if I had made him do more chemo', 'Did he really love me or did I imagine that'...etc. People do not realize that the things they say can never be taken back and words do have an effect on the person they are aimed at. What did I do to deserve to lose my husband and then to be so mistreated? There are people that do not understand the type of hurt I am going thru. I watched the father of my children die. Those images replay over and over in my mind. I cannot think of good times or look at pictures without crying because I have lost so much. And people that I thought would stand by me during something like this have not have because they have a grudge against me or just don't like me. But the mercy that you give is the mercy you shall recieve one day. So, Father, please help me forgive them because the hurt they have inflicted on me runs deep.

I called a friend from church up last night who also lost her husband to cancer. The way she told me was that God had planned Randy's life out- his birth, his death and everything in between. So no matter what I could have done- God had already decided Randy's time to leave this earth. One of the only things God does not govern is how we treat each other in thought, word or deed.
So it was out of my control. Just like my hurt. I loved him so much that I hurt twice as much now. Only God knows how much I can handle. Thank God for the friends and family who have stayed by me and lifted me up because I wouldn't have made it this far.

Still moving forward

I have been feeling so mixed up lately. I will a good day and then some bad days. The last couple of days have been sort of depressing but I think being sick, then the rain and all this stress from retaking finals from over a year ago has got me feeling this way. I am very angry lately but it is not destructive anger. It is more like just being angry at how life can just turn upside down and topsy turvy in a second.

The good news is that we are still moving forward. Kevin is doing great in speech and school. Averi has pulled her math grade up and she doesn't have as many melt downs as she used to. She is more worried about making sure I am ok right now. I thank God for her because she has such a kind heart. Kevin is so sweet like Randy. He will just grab my hand and hols it for no reason. Randy used to hold my hand while we watched tv or were driving down the road. Sometimes I feel maybe Randy is reaching out thru the kids. He was such a sweet man.

But the kids are happy overall and I think that comes from Randy and I always putting them first and spending time with them. I just miss so many things about Randy and our life together. I don't think I will ever be as happy as I was when he was here on earth. Life will never be the same.

Reality bites my pity party

I have been so mad lately. I know life isn't fair- it never has been for me- but I am just so angry lately. I am never going to get my life back and it pisses me off! I was happy. Averi and Kevin were happy. Now there is no more Randy. I have to take all these finals OVER just to start back in as senior. I am cramming a semester's worth of work in two days and I am being overloaded! Am I going to be ale to handle some of the things I see in clinic? What if I get a cancer patient? What if I have to watch someone die? Why did this happen? I wish I could talk to God and just ask him- why my husband? He was decent and kind and good. And now he is gone! And I am overwhelmed at having to pick up the pieces, start over, and face reality. I have never felt so alone and so cheated and robbed!

I mean, would it have been better if I didn't have to watch him die? Those memories flash back and I try to remember the good times like everyone says but when you watch the one person you love so much go through the dying process the way Randy did, it is hard to not remember those last moments. Everyone who is 'so sorry for your loss' gets to go on with their normal every day life and I don't. I'll never get that life back. It wouldn't have been better in any way. My heart breaks for Randy. And it breaks for Averi and Kevin. I'm just mad that it hurts so bad and time doesn't feel like it is making it better. At all. Time is not making it better. It hasn't even dulled it. I know it hasn't been long since his passing but it hurts as if it were the day he died.

I believe the Footprints poem about how God carries you during your lowest times and that is why there is only one set of footprints in the sand. I hope he is carrying me because I really need it right now.

anniversaries and new beginnings

Yesterday would have been six years of marriage for me and Randy. It was very hard for me because I feel in my heart that I am still married to Randy, yet our vows said until death do us part. Yesterday was a day of mourning for me. The marriage that I cherished is no longer and it is very hard for me to let that go. I wanted to shut myself away from everyone but I made myself go to both church services yesterday because at least I could be in a place where I feel closer to God and maybe he would help me in some way.

Yesterday was also a family meeting for Randy's family. They've agreed on his marker and hopefully, soon he will have his name on his grave. Averi worries about why her daddy doesn't have his marker whenever we go visit his grave. Some people may not understand but I cannot make myself go thru any more quarrels and he said, she said stuff. I HAVE to move forward not only for myself but for Averi and Kevin. I need my own peace because if I stay in this grief and what if's, I won't be of use to anybody. I made a promise to Randy to put these children first and thank God he asked me too because some days I just don't want to function. I want to lay in bed and just cry because it hurts so bad. But I remember his face and looking in it and making that vow. He knew this would tear me apart and that going on for the kids would keep me sane. I cannot let myself give up. I look at Averi and Kevin and I see Randy. And I cannot give up. Randy didn't give up.

I was told the meeting went well and I am glad for that. A lot of hurtful things have happened but we all need peace. We all need to accept that Randy is healed and that he is experiencing something so glorious and wonderful that it is beyond anything here on this earth. I wish peace for us all so that we can heal and that Randy can rest in peace and not frown upon any disagreements here on earth. But that comes from within and only true peace comes from Christ. Randy can only go on in love, not strife. If we cannot love each other in the sense that we let each other heal in our own way without causing grief for others, then that is not honoring Randy or the command that Christ gave us to love one another in his name.

My husband saved me. Watching him keep his faith and draw closer to Christ during those unbelievably hard times was an example to me that if you trust in God, he will save you. Randy wasn't healed physically but he was healed spiritually. I thank God everyday for giving my husband eternal life. Randy is more alive now than he was here on earth. But it is just missing him that hurts. My preacher said that it hurts so great because the love was so great. And I never loved anyone the way I love Randy. And the sad thing is I probably never will. Nothing will ever compare to what we had.

Today I have to take the first of my exams. I am going back to finish school and start this new beginning. If this is what God wants me to do then it will happen. I can only trust in His plan of what he has for my life. I am putting the children first so that I can provide the home and life that Randy and I would have done together.

sunbeams

When Randy passed away, I looked out his window so full of shock and sadness. All I could do was pray that he had made his way into our Father's kingdom and was at peace at last. Then when I looked up, I saw sunbeams coming out of the clouds and they were so radiant and glorious that I couldn't help but feel as if I was being sent a message that Randy was okay and that I was going to be okay as well. From time to time, when it is real cloudy and the storms pass I go outside and look up and I may happen to see a sunbeam and then again I may not.

The last time we went to the upstate, the kids and I went with Kellie to take Marlie back to campus and I was feeling so depressed and missing Randy so much. We were riding thru the most beautiful country and as I was looking out my window, I saw sunbeams. Maybe people thinkI am reading too much into this but I had the feeling that Randy had asked God to send down some sunbeams my way to comfort me. Randy and I had a conversation some weeks before he passed. He told me that he was not going to beat the cancer he had. My husband always protected me, always comforted me, always was my support system. I asked him that if that was God's plans if he thought that maybe from time to time, he could somehow comfort me when things got so unbearable. His reply was that he could try and he didn't see why God wouldn't provide that for me. You see, I have never hurt like this before. Even when my mother passed from her cancer, I hurt but not like this. This hurt goes to the very core of me and sometimes I feel like it will never get better. It is during those moments that I see those sunbeams and I know my husband is still with me in a way comforting me and loving and giving me the strength to be there for our children. So whoever reads this that knew Randy, I hope when you see a sunbeam that you are comforted and that you know that he loves you still.